How to have a nice spring day out with a baby
Check the weather. It’s going to be sunny! Plan a trip to a nearby country park with farm animals and walking trails. The baby will love it! Decide to leave after the baby’s nap.
The baby refuses to nap.
No worries! She can just nap in the car. Put on her coat and strap her into the carseat. Look that those tired eyes – she’ll be asleep in no time.
The baby does not fall asleep.
You drive to the park and she’s still awake. Decide to keep on driving in the hope that she’ll fall asleep soon. Keep on driving for another half an hour.
The baby is still awake.
Forget the park, you say. She’s not going to nap, so let’s just stop at this place where you can take a boat ride instead. It’s right here.
Pull into the car park. Realise it’s going to cost almost £30 for the three of you to go on this boat.
“F*** it,” you say. “Let’s just go home.”
The baby falls asleep.
The baby is still asleep by the time you get home, so you keep driving. Drive until you hit a leisure/shopping centre. The baby is still asleep. Pull into the car park and eat the lunch that you’d packed for the park in the car, spilling greasy spinach dip all over your coat and covering yourself in oatcake crumbs.
The baby wakes up. Spend 20 minutes attempting to get her to eat cheesy flapjacks in the carseat, even though each time you hand her a piece, she licks it and then tries to feed it to you instead. Smile and pretend that you’re really keen to eat something that’s just been in her mouth.
Get out of the car. The forecast sun is nowhere to be seen. Take the baby into the shopping centre, where she happily walks around the shops, grabbing things off the shelf and throwing them on the floor. When she makes her way into the glassware section, decide that it’s time to take her outside even though it’s cloudy and freezing. There’s a little playground nearby. Maybe she’d like to go on the swings.
The baby does not want to go on the swings.
The baby just wants to walk around in front of the shopping centre. Such a big open space! So many strangers to approach and dogs to chase! Spend the rest of your afternoon holding the baby’s hand while walking back and forth in front of the shops while wind slaps you in the face. Your back hurts. You are so cold.
The baby is so happy.