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Things I wish my baby could understand

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This sippy cup is about 5 seconds from being thrown on the floor.
  • You need to wear clothes. Sorry, there’s just no getting around it. You live in Scotland, where there are approximately four days a year when it’s hot enough to toddle around in the nude. Let’s have a little less screaming during clothes changes and a little more, “Thanks for putting on my clothes, Mummy. I won’t be cold thanks to your careful selection of weather-appropriate attire!”
  • I don’t like changing you anymore than you like being changed, but the alternative is for you to sit around in your own poop, so let’s both accept that this task needs to be done and try to accomplish it with minimal tears and squirming.
  • It’s really important for you to eat your vegetables because they’re full of vitamins and nutrients and all kinds of good stuff. And no, Organix carrot sticks don’t count.
  • The iPad isn’t a toy. I mean, it kind of IS a toy, a really great one, actually, but it’s not the kind that you can slap repeatedly.
  • Here’s the right way to use a sippy cup: Take a drink. Put the cup back down on the tray. Repeat. Here’s the wrong way to use a sippy cup: Take a drink. Throw the cup on the floor. Get angry when you want another drink and don’t have your cup. Watch Mummy pick up the cup and put it back on your tray. Take a sip. Throw the cup on the floor. Repeat.
  • Grabbing another baby’s hair when you first meet them is not the most effective way to make new friends.
  • Sometimes I gets mad when you wake me up in the middle of the night and won’t go back to sleep. I might speak to you sharply or slam the door, which scares you and makes you cry. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s my fault for not remembering that you’re just a baby trying to tell me what you want.
  • You know those things you love to pull off the bottom of the clothes horse and run around the house with? Those are mine and Daddy’s underwear. Underwear is like nappies for adults. So, you know, not the best choice of toy.



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