Things I wish my baby could understand

Parenting / Thursday, April 7th, 2016
This sippy cup is about 5 seconds from being thrown on the floor.
  • You need to wear clothes. Sorry, there’s just no getting around it. You live in Scotland, where there are approximately four days a year when it’s hot enough to toddle around in the nude. Let’s have a little less screaming during clothes changes and a little more, “Thanks for putting on my clothes, Mummy. I won’t be cold thanks to your careful selection of weather-appropriate attire!”
  • I don’t like changing you anymore than you like being changed, but the alternative is for you to sit around in your own poop, so let’s both accept that this task needs to be done and try to accomplish it with minimal tears and squirming.
  • It’s really important for you to eat your vegetables because they’re full of vitamins and nutrients and all kinds of good stuff. And no, Organix carrot sticks don’t count.
  • The iPad isn’t a toy. I mean, it kind of IS a toy, a really great one, actually, but it’s not the kind that you can slap repeatedly.
  • Here’s the right way to use a sippy cup: Take a drink. Put the cup back down on the tray. Repeat. Here’s the wrong way to use a sippy cup: Take a drink. Throw the cup on the floor. Get angry when you want another drink and don’t have your cup. Watch Mummy pick up the cup and put it back on your tray. Take a sip. Throw the cup on the floor. Repeat.
  • Grabbing another baby’s hair when you first meet them is not the most effective way to make new friends.
  • Sometimes I gets mad when you wake me up in the middle of the night and won’t go back to sleep. I might speak to you sharply or slam the door, which scares you and makes you cry. You haven’t done anything wrong. It’s my fault for not remembering that you’re just a baby trying to tell me what you want.
  • You know those things you love to pull off the bottom of the clothes horse and run around the house with? Those are mine and Daddy’s underwear. Underwear is like nappies for adults. So, you know, not the best choice of toy.

29 Replies to “Things I wish my baby could understand”

  1. I could identify with all these!
    I would add:
    – the wax around the babybel isn’t food and there for I’m doing you a favour when I don’t let you eat it
    – shreddies may be tasty but they are not appropriate for every meal. I know mummy are a lot of cereal when growing you but you need your veggies!

  2. Oh dear-I can definitely relate to all of these, especially the nappy changing one. Piglet is now of an age where I can ask him if he needs a nappy change, but he will inevitably answer in the negative, even if he has been marinating in his own poo for hours, then try and dispose of the changing mat and make me chase him round the house. #FamilyFun

    1. I hear that some babies actually want to be changed because they don’t like sitting in their poo, but mine clearly isn’t one of them. I think she’d happily stew in it all day if I didn’t force a clean nappy on her.

  3. Absolutely spot on with all of these. I wish Effy would understand that when I say “don’t put phones in your mouth” she doesn’t just look me directly in the eye and put the phone back in her mouth.

  4. Oh man, so much YES to all of this!
    This morning my son, like babies do, pooped in his diaper. He starts screaming and freaking out because, well, who likes to sit in their poop! So, he sees me grabbing the wipes and things for a diaper changes and starts getting super excited! But the second I lay him down to clean his butt? He’s INSTANTLY mad! Like, dude, get over it! What a great post <3 #StayClassy

  5. Hahaha, the throwing things off the highchair is so annoying! My boy is 2 and a half and STILL does that. Can relate to all of this xx #familyfun

    1. The Popple likes to tell me she’s done with her meal by throwing pieces of food off the tray one by one. Surely there’s a better way of letting me know that you’re not hungry anymore!

  6. Ha Ha, Sipppy cup! We are losing a battle with this at the moment, for some reason he likes drinking with the lid off! I just don’t get it! Gosh forbid that I let him hold it, he gets soaked! I’m getting a little anxious about the toddling stage after reading stories like this!!

  7. absolutely brilliant! I can pretty much relate to all of these, you’ve written it perfectly and i am most definitely sharing this with my mates and all bloggers! fanbloodytastastic #chucklemums

  8. Ah yes. Also said (on repeat) in our house:

    – Plug are not toys
    – Well don’t put your head where he can pull your hair
    – People don’t like it when you pull hair
    – Just because he did doesn’t mean you should
    – Please can I just pee on my own?!


    PS I’m a door slammer too….

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