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The children’s books that are slowly driving me insane

The children’s books that are slowly driving me insane

Have you ever read this book?

Hand, Hand, Fingers, Thumb

Because I have. About a dozen times…today.

Hand, Hand, Fingers, Thumb is the Popple’s current literary obsession. Although she owns dozens of books, she tends to choose one and just roll with it for a while. Our flat is full of lovely books that she’s never touched and a handful that I have committed to memory. NOT BY CHOICE.

Hand, Hand, Fingers, Thumb

Plot: A bunch of monkeys drum and…no, that’s pretty much it, actually.

Best part: Monkeys drum and monkeys hum. Hum drum hum drum hum drum hum. Pretty catchy, that.

Worst part: When I find myself muttering, “Dum ditty dum ditty dum dum dum” out loud in the middle of a conference call like some sort of giant, crazy child.

Chicka Chicka Boom Boom

Chicka Chicka Boom Boom

Plot: All of the letters of the alphabet climb up a tree. It falls over and messes them up.

Best part: The picture of the moon at the end, apparently. The Popple likes to skip to that page and just point at it.

“Yes, it’s the moon!” I say.

“Eh?” she says, which is pretty much the only thing she says these days.

“Moon!” I say again.

“Eh?” she says, pointing again.

“MOON!” I shout enthusiastically, even though it’s kind of a crap moon. Just a big yellow circle, really. But I guess it doesn’t take that much to impress a toddler.

Worst part: When the book ends [SPOILER ALERT] with stupid letter ‘a’ trying to climb up the tree again, as though he’s completely forgotten about the events of the previous 18 pages.

Katie’s Moose

Katie's Moose

Plot: A Scottish girl looks for her animals and finds them in weird places. Then they all go to sleep together in an impossibly huge bed.

(This book features a dancing pig, a cow on the crapper and a bear with a hammer, but it’s the supersized bed that seems really unrealistic.)

Best part: The coo sitting on the loo is reading a newspaper with the headline, “Braw craw heids baw.” Genius.

Worst part: Forcing the Popple to listen to me speak in Scots with my American accent. Just imagine it:

“Keek-a-boo! There she is noo. See that bonnie pig, ahint the chair, daein a jig.”

THE WORST.

Global Babies

Global Babies

Plot: No plot, just pictures of cute international babies.

Best part: The baby from South Africa who is blowing a raspberry, because the Popple raspberries right back at him.

Worst part: The fact that a book about ‘global babies’ features two Americans babies out of 16. Okay, one is Native American, but still. Try harder.



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