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If my baby could talk: a conversation about walking

…and she’s off.

Popple: I’m just going to go get that buttony thing over there.

Me: First of all, that ‘buttony thing’ is the TV remote, and it doesn’t go in your mouth.

Popple: I didn’t say anything about putting it in my mouth.

Me: So you’re not planning to chew on the remote?

Popple: No.

[I stare at her.]

Popple: Okay, I am.

Me: I knew it. Second of all, you know you can’t walk, right?

Popple: BUTTONS! [Starts trying to walk across the room towards the remote. I support her under her arms reluctantly.]

Me: Haven’t you heard of crawling? You know, the method of transport favoured by almost all babies since forever?

Popple: This is better. [Grabs the remote and puts it in her mouth.]

Me: Yeah, walking is great, but you can’t do it yet. If you’re not going to crawl, you can at least try cruising. You know, when you practice walking while holding onto a piece of furniture.

Popple: Like this? [Starts side-stepping while holding onto the coffee table.]

Me: Exactly! See, this is how you learn how to get your balance, and then…

Popple: MORE BUTTONS! [Sees the Amazon Fire remote and grabs it, letting go of the table. I catch her before she falls.]

Me: That’s why you need to hold on to something! What if I hadn’t been here to catch you?

Popple: But you were. You always are.

Me: You’re right, I am. It’s kind of my job.

Popple: I’m going to go slap the bag of recycling in the kitchen.

Me: Why?

Popple: Makes a good noise.

Me: Fair enough.

[The Popple starts walking to the kitchen and I hold her steady, because I’m a mum and that’s what we do.]

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