How to entertain a 2 ½ month-old Popple
Put the Popple on a playmat. Shake a toy at her. The Popple ignores the toy and flails her limbs around. Shake the toy more vigorously. Insist that the toy is fun. The Popple cries.
Put the Popple on your lap. Make what you think are amusing faces. Poke her in the stomach and say, “Aaa goo!” The Popple scowls at you and farts.
Take the Popple to get changed. The Popple thinks this is the best thing EVER. The Popple smiles and laughs and kicks until she gets a foot in her poop, then pees the second you take the nappy away. Take off the Popple’s wet vest and put on a clean one. Wipe down the changing pad and the poopy foot. The Popple laughs and laughs and laughs.
Feed the Popple while watching Pretty Little Liars. The Popple poops mid-feed. Repeat changing scenario.
Put the Popple back on the playmat on her tummy, because if you don’t the Popple will have delayed motor skills and you will be the WORST PARENT EVER. The Popple screams into the floor then starts squirming towards you slowly on her stomach like something out of a horror film. Praise her excessively for this. The Popple continues to cry.
Try to feed the Popple. The Popple screams and pummels your boob like it has insulted her. Put the Popple in a baby carrier and dance her around to 90s music. The Popple falls asleep. Spend the next hour walking in circles around your house while she sleeps.
The Popple wakes up and is furious to find herself pressed against your chest. Take her out of the carrier while she screams. Feed the Popple while watching yet more Pretty Little Liars, even though the show’s plot is getting increasingly ridiculous. Try to cuddle the Popple afterwards while she kicks you.
Put the Popple in her bouncy chair and read her a book about a bunny or a barn or something. The Popple reaches out and grabs the book with her hands. OH MY GOD, THE POPPLE IS READING! Tell her what a good reader she is. Get out a second book, because obviously the Popple is a genius and craves further intellectual stimulation. The Popple cries. Pick her up and dance her around to 90s music again. The Popple falls asleep.
Take this opportunity to put the Popple in her pram and go out for a walk. You’re outdoors! Around other people! Stop in a cafe to get coffee and a pastry. The waitress approaches your table with your order and the Popple wakes up and starts to cry. Gulp your scalding coffee and shove the pastry in your mouth while simultaneously trying to shove a dummy in the Popple’s mouth. The Popple spits out the dummy and wails. Leave the cafe as quickly as possible.
Take the screaming Popple out of the pram once you’re home. The Popple squirms then spits up on herself (and you). Get out the baby bath and undress the Popple. The Popple smiles and laughs and coos and wiggles. Look down at the happy naked Popple and decide that it was all worth it for this moment.
The Popple lets out a poop fart on the clean towel that she’s laying on.
Still worth it.