Dear kid: sorry I gave you dodgy genes


Parenting / Monday, September 11th, 2017

I was putting on her pajama top when I felt it: the bumps on the backs of her arms.

“Shit,” I thought.

I was hoping she wasn’t going to get it.

I waited for those bumps to go away. Every day, I found an excuse to touch the back of her arms, just to check. But they stayed, like I knew they would.

I have keratosis pilaris, a totally harmless but weird-looking skin condition that causes rough bumpy skin on your upper arms, thighs and bum. Essentially, I look like I have goosebumps all the time, which makes wearing shorts and vest tops super fun, but doesn’t really affect me in any other way. It’s not itchy or irritating, and it’s pretty subtle as far as skin abnormalities go. Still, I was really hoping not to pass it onto my kid.

It know I’m supposed be full of body positivity and embrace my body and its flaws, but damn, there are some things about my body that are just not that great. I have some things that I don’t want for her – like my chicken skin – but given that she’s 50% me, she’s probably going to end up with some of them.

So sorry, kid, but you’re likely to:

  • Be short-sighted. Both your father and eye have pretty appalling vision, so I hope you’re up for glasses.
  • Have scoliosis. Yeah, we’ve both got that too. Mine gives me just the tiniest hint of a hunchback, which is a really sexy look, especially from the side.
  • Have crazy hair. Those beautiful curls that you have now will most likely turn into the thick, frizzy waves that I’m saddled with, which a hairdresser once described as ‘chaos’. “You know how sometimes you see a tree in the forest and its branches are all twisted in all sorts of directions? That’s the chaos theory. That’s what your hair is like,” he said. It was a pretty poor description of the chaos theory, and I think he was also high. But my hair? Yeah, he was right. It’s ridiculous.
  • Spend a large portion of your 30s removing chin hairs. You’ll pluck them daily. They’ll grow back. You’ll pay for a very expensive salon wax that the beautician promises will last a month. You’ll feel a new hair poking out THE NEXT DAY. It’s a battle that you’ll never win.

But it’s not all bendy spines and hairy chins – my body does have some redeeming qualities. So, kid, in an effort to be all positive role model-y and that, here are some things that I hope I pass on:

  • My ability to eat stupidly and not get fat. After having you, I stopped going to the gym, adopted a late-night snacking habit and re-discovered the joys of Nutella, and I somehow lost 20lbs. My metabolism defies science.
  • My cavity-free teeth. I don’t have a blindingly white American smile, but my teeth are straight-ish and hole-free, which is more than a lot of people can say.
  • My hassle-free eyebrows. Unlike my chin, my eyebrow hair doesn’t require much maintenance. It looks pretty okay in its natural state.
  • The strength to grow another person (if you want to). My body provided you with a comfortable home for nine months while you grew from a single cell into 6lbs 13oz of screaming, adorable baby. Thanks to that amazing feat, I’m willing to overlook pretty much all of its flaws. Even the chaos hair.
Bridie By The Sea
Bringing up Georgia

9 Replies to “Dear kid: sorry I gave you dodgy genes”

  1. Love this! ❤️ Isn’t it funny how we want our kids to have the best bits from us, their parents? They end up being the person they were meant to be, quirks and all. It’s sticking out ears and shiny teen skin in the old house. Love it 😍#dreamteam

  2. Ooh, this is interesting. Both my kids have permanent goosebump like bumps on their upper arms. When my oldest was a baby the gp told me it was nothing to worry about and just put moisturiser on it, like it was dry skin and as it never bothered him I never thought anything of it, same when my daughter developed it. I wonder if it’s the same thing you have? We always joke that our kids are screwed because of all the bad genes we could have passed on between us but they’re surprisingly ok so far x
    #DreamTeam

  3. I felt awful when it became aparent my eldesr had inherited my hearing condition. Its something ive mostly got use to now but there is still a bit of guilt almost about it.
    #dreamteam

  4. Haha! I’m completely with you on the ‘chaos’ hair. I too have chaotic hair. People often tell me how sad it’ll be when Georgia loses her curls… until I tell them that there’s no way she’ll lose them as they’re genetic. Good bad and ugly all the way. Thanks for linking up to #fortheloveofblog. Great post x

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