10 things that happen when your child brings home the nursery teddy
1. You’ll accidentally greet the teddy by saying, “Oh, for fuck’s sake.”
2. Your child will want to hug the teddy. Then they’ll want you to hug the teddy. You’ll want both of you to stay as far away from the teddy as possible, because it looks like it’s been hugged by every small child ever and never been washed.
3. You’ll frantically check the little notebook that came with the teddy to see how much effort you need to put into this thing. At least one parent will have practically written a novel about the teddy’s weekend adventures, along with ‘fun’ pictures, and you’ll hate that parent, even though you’ve never met them. Look, here’s teddy at the aquarium! He’s pointing at a shark! And now he’s on a bike! Teddies can’t ride bikes! That’s why it’s funny! Screw you, Lucas’ dad!
4. Your child will insist that the teddy accompany you everywhere, then forget about it as soon as you leave the house, leaving you to carry the filthy bear for the rest of the day.
5. One of your friends will see you out with the nursery teddy and ask you if you’re planning to make him new clothes or have him ‘bake’ a cake to bring to the class on Monday. That’s what the parents do at their child’s school, they’ll say. You’ll reconsider your friendship after this conversation.
6. You’ll realise at the end of a really great day that you forgot to take photos of the teddy and therefore can’t prove that any of it ever happened.
7. You’ll be tempted to take photos of the nursery teddy doing something inappropriate – drinking a beer, smacking someone’s bum – but then you’ll realise you can’t even be bothered to do that. You’re just not that fun. Not like Lucas’ dad. The bastard.
8. It will suddenly occur to you that you’re going to need to get actual photos for the nursery bear’s book. Like, printed. On paper. Cue a trip last-minute trip to Boots on Sunday afternoon with photos saved on a memory stick, like it’s 2010 or something.
9. When you go to write the story of the nursery teddy’s weekend, you’ll realise that it’s been decades since you last handwrote more than a few words at a time. By the time you’re finished with the story, your handwriting will be scrawling and practically illegible, like you decided to take a break in the middle and drink an entire bottle of wine. Maybe you did. No one would blame you.
10. After an entire weekend of ignoring the nursery teddy while you dragged it around, your child will suddenly develop a keen interest in it on Monday morning and want to keep it.