10 terrible gifts for a baby boy

Parenting / Saturday, September 17th, 2016

My adorable chunk of a nephew is turning one later this month, so I suggested that Adrian look on Etsy to see if he could find a unique gift for him. A few hours later, he sent me this email:

“So no obvious choices for a gift on Etsy just yet, but the running for Worst Clothes For a Baby Boy goes deep.”

Here’s a selection of what he found – plus a few other horrors I discovered myself when I went down Etsy rabbit hole:

1. I drink ’til I pass out

Onesie with a bottle of spilled milk that says, "I drink til' I pass out...just like Aunt Marley'

Let’s all laugh at Aunt Marley’s alcoholism! Hahaha! It’s funny because she can’t stop drinking! Look, she was so drunk that she put the apostrophe in the wrong place!

2. That milk tho

White onesie that says 'That milk tho'.

Hey, baby. ‘Tho’ is not an acceptable alternative to ‘though’, regardless of what your onesie says. Your parents are the worst.

3. Sorry, ladies – I’m in the knight’s watch

White onesie that says, 'Sorry, ladies. I'm in the night's watch.'

I can’t take a wife because I made a vow to the brotherhood. Also because I’M AN INFANT.

4. I won

White onesie with a sperm that says 'I won'

Your parents bought you this bodysuit so…did you? Did you really?

5. Show me your kitties

White onesie with a cat face on it that says 'Show me your kitties'

Surprisingly, this is just one of several sexist animal-themed boy’s onesies.

6. I like big bucks

White onesie with a buck on it that says 'I like big bucks and I cannot lie'

…aaand there’s another one.

7. Keep calm and hug your wiener

White onesie with a dachsund that says 'Keep calm and hug your weiner'

For the dachshund-owner parent who really, really can’t resist a good wiener joke. Or a not-so-good wiener joke. Or who got a dachshund for the sole purpose of being able to say the word ‘wiener’ all the time, even though they don’t know how it’s spelled.

8. You got this, Daddy!

White onesie that says, You got this Daddy!' with arrows pointing to the arm, leg and neck holes.

“Ha – look at that man trying to raise a baby! That’s lady business!”


Men are perfectly capable of dressing babies. And pushing prams. And retrieving lost dummies. And cleaning up poonamis. This is not mum stuff. It’s PARENT stuff.

9. Do you even lift, bro?

White onesie with an outline of ab muscles and the words 'Do you even lift bro?'

It’s like you’re trying to turn your baby into a d**k.

10. Famous on Instagram

White onesie with a picture of a camera that says 'Famous on Instagram'

Because being famous on Instagram is a thing that people actually aspire to now. We are a garbage species.

If you want to see more Etsy nightmares, check out the 10 gifts you should never buy for a baby post I did for Christmas last year.

31 Replies to “10 terrible gifts for a baby boy”

  1. Argh these are truly awful! And these words are spoken by one who dressed Piglet in a onesie I designed at my own baby shower with the slogan “Made in Chelsea” (that’s where the fertility clinic was!) #eatsleepblogRT

  2. Whhhhhhhaaaaaattttt?! These are for real?! I’m pretty horrified actually, but your descriptions, (take downs, did make me laugh. There is a disturbing element to some of them though. The fact that one is apologising for the baby being celibate……not cool! Thanks for sharing this with us on the #bigpinklink

  3. The whole lot of these make me cringe. I was going to write a post similar to this at some point, about the terrible clothing slogans on kid’s clothes. I’m glad nobody bought my baby one of these. #chucklemums

  4. Oh god, famous on instagram disgusts me because I put my babies on instagram and ergo I might be one of THOSE! These are absolute treasures. I saw one once that said something like “there’d better be whiskey in these tits”. NO! Thanks for linking to #Chucklemums xx

  5. Oooooh my god I cannot believe they are out there or that people buy them! I was reading down thinking that’s the worst, oh god no wait this worse, omg no this is the worst. They are all horrendous. I think the kitten one might just tip it for me though…. Thanks for sharing at #familyfun. Hope you can come back next week xx

  6. Ohhh god these are just awful!!! I hope no one buys my baby boy any of these when he arrives next month haha. I’m guessing you didn’t buy any then? 🙂 xx #bigpinklink

  7. Haha this is brilliant! I have seen #8 a couple of times and always shocked…do people actually buy these vests?! Great round-up, Aunt Marley’s alcoholism made me laugh 🙂 Thanks for linking up to #dreamteam Hope to see you next time x

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