If the Kavanaugh hearing was a typical job interview
I’ve been thinking a lot about the Brett Kavanaugh confirmation hearing recently. This hearing has such profound implications – not only for the future of the American judicial system, but also for for how we treat sexual assault victims – that it’s easy to forget that it wasn’t a trial; it was a job interview. If you imagine these sexual assault accusations playing out in a typical job interview setting, the way that some people insist on dismissing them seems bizarre.
HR manager: Okay, before I hire you for this incredibly significant job that you’re going to have for the rest of your life, I need to check your references.
Candidate: Seems fair.
HR manager: Most of them seem pretty standard. Relevant job experience, good degree, blah blah blah. Wait…here’s a weird one. It says, “This guy got a bit rapey with me.”
HR manager: That’s what it says.
Candidate: I never got rapey with anyone!
HR manager: It says that you were incredibly intoxicated when it happened. Do you ever get blackout drunk?
Candidate: DO YOU?
HR manager: Umm…
Candidate: I mean, I like beer. Who doesn’t like beer? Liking beer doesn’t make me a sexual predator, does it?
HR manager: Of course not. I’m sure it’s nothing. Let’s see what else I’ve got here…oh.
HR manager: Well, this is a bit awkward.
Candidate: Just tell me.
HR manager: Someone is saying that you swung your junk in their face.
Candidate: This is ridiculous!
HR manager: Did you do these things?
Candidate: Of course not! And anyway, this isn’t relevant to the job.
HR manager: Well, not technically. But this is a very important job, like super important. Besides, I’m not sure a junk-swinging guy is going to fit in with our office culture.
Candidate: This is a conspiracy! That rival firm fabricating lies in order to smear my good name!
HR manager: Yeah…about that. You can’t really be going on about ‘rival firms’. This job requires to you be impartial. You represent ALL firms. That’s kind of the whole point.
Candidate: Yeah, I totally get that. I represent all the firms. I can do that.
HR manager: Well, if that’s the case, then I think we’re good to go! Oh shit, here’s another rapey one.
Candidate: Wait, what?
HR manager: Yeah, it’s pretty bad.
Candidate: I swear I didn’t do this stuff.
HR manager: But then why do people keep saying it?
Candidate: [Bursts into tears]
HR manager: Maybe I should put your job offer on hold while I look into this.
Candidate: NO. Definitely don’t do that. There’s nothing for you to find anyway, because I didn’t do any of it.
HR manager: But if you have nothing to hide, surely you can’t object to us just taking a few days to confirm your side of the story?
Candidate: I DO object. This isn’t the ‘Twilight Zone’. This is a job interview. For MY job.
HR manager: Well, technically it’s not your job YET.
Candidate: IT’S MY JOB! I DESERVE THIS!
HR manager: On that note, thanks for coming in. We’ll get back to you.
No company would hire a candidate that:
- Acted belligerently in the job interview
- Was clearly hiding something
- Seemed like kind of a dick
So why do Kavanaugh’s supporters seem surprised that a lot of people question whether he has earned a spot on the highest court in the land for the rest of his life? He’s facing hard questions because this is a hard job. Get over it, K-Dawg.
Besides, no one would want to turn up to work to find out that Brett Kavanaugh was their new desk mate.