This is the #YouHaveToLaugh tag. No one asked me to do it, but here it is anyway. Why? Because I like to write funnyish stuff. And I like their site. And I feel like I should do something semi-productive after eating four mini bags of Haribo.
Right. So onto the good stuff.
Fill in the gap: Before I had children I never…
Had an audience when I went to the bathroom. Now every bowel movement is closely monitored by a toddler who demands, “Mummy, get up!” when she feels like it’s taking too long.
What is the most annoying toy that your child owns or has owned and why?
That damn Vtech walker. You know the one. “Welcome to our learning farm, we have lots to show you!” You’re probably singing the song to yourself right now.
Literally everyone I know with a small child owns one of these primary-coloured plastic nightmares. When the batteries on ours was running low, it would start singing in the middle of the night or when no one else was in the room, and there’s nothing more terrifying then being woken up to, “THE FLOWERS SPIN IN THE SUN!” at 3am.
Would you rather be covered in poo or covered in puke?
Poo for sure. I’m exposed to it multiple times a day, so I’m not really that grossed out by it anymore. Puke, on the other hand, is thankfully rare, which makes it that much harder to deal with when it does come.
Is Peppa Pig more annoying than Postman Pat is bad at his job? Discuss.
Thankfully, my daughter doesn’t watch either. She’s currently pretty into the Muppets lately, which is cool with me, because the Muppets are awesome.
What time constitutes a lie-in in your house now and how does this compare to your pre-child days?
Anything past 5am is pretty good these days. I bragged to a childless friend recently that the Popple had slept until 6:30 that morning, and they looked very, very sad for me.
What is your favourite swear word or swear word combo and when was the last time you used it?
The one I use most often is a bog-standard ‘For fuck’s sake.’ But the one that makes me laugh hardest is ‘Fuckity bye’, a la Malcolm Tucker.
Tell us your worst ever nappy or potty training experience.
I was about to go out – like, out out – with my husband for the first time after the Popple was born, when I thought, “Hmm, that’s odd. I think I smell poo. Oh wait, it’s me. There’s baby poo all over my arm.”
There was no time to change, so I dabbed it quickly with a wipe and left, as you do when you were a parent. l’m pretty sure I stopped smelling it after the second glass of Pino Grigio.
There is no electricity and won’t be for the next week. NONE. After eating the contents of the freezer (assuming you have a gas cooker) what the hell do you do with yourself?
Cry. Because no electricity means to internet. Drink red wine, because it’s supposed to be room temperature anyway. Let the Popple eat cold baked beans for a week. She’d be thrilled.
If you didn’t need the money and didn’t have a little one what would you spend your days doing?
Travelling all over the world, eating all the food and drinking all the wine.
If squirrels ruled the world, what do you think would be the advantages and disadvantages?
Advantages: nuts. All the nuts. I’m a bit nut fan – especially almonds. Let’s not going around milking them, though. That’s a bit silly.
Disadvantages: It might be a bit distracting if they were all like that Great British Bake Off squirrel.
You know the one.
If you could have anyone round for dinner, alive or dead, which 3 people would you choose? (NB – If you pick a dead person they would be alive during dinner – you wouldn’t just be dining with a corpse. That would be creepy)
Obama for his charisma. Louis Theroux for his lovable awkward Britishness. Amy Poehler for her hilariousness.
What is your favourite funny blog post ever (your own, or someone else’s)?
I LOVE Hurrah for Gin’s post about The Shitty Guilt Fairy. We all know this fairy, and she’s the absolute worst.
I’m supposed to tag people now, but since no one tagged me and I’m feeling lazy, I’m just going to tell you to click on the badge if you want to have a go yourself. And check out the rest of the site for lots of funny parenting shiz.