How to tame the toddler tantrum beast

Lost: One feisty but ultimately manageable toddler.

Found: One feral little tantrum beast.

The tantrum beast’s likes: Getting what she wants. And bread. The tantrum beast is a bread fiend.

The tantrum beast’s dislikes:

  • Having her nappy changed
  • Getting dressed
  • Going into her cot
  • Taking a bath
  • Brushing her teeth
  • Sitting in a highchair
  • Wearing a bib
  • Playing with her toys
  • Sitting in her pushchair
  • The TV being shut off
  • Being put down
  • Being picked up
  • Me. You. Pretty much anyone who stands in her way.

How to spot the tantrum beast: The tantrum beast can often be found flailing around on the floor and screaming at the top of her lungs.

The tantrum beast can make an appearance at any time, but she is especially prone to emerge on crowded buses during rush hour or in the middle of busy shops.

How to approach the tantrum beast: With caution. DO NOT, under any circumstances, let her hear you say the word ‘no’, even if it’s followed by, “You can’t do that, but [insert really reasonable and fun-sounding alternative here].”

The tantrum beast may reach up to you, implying that she wants to be picked up, but don’t be fooled. As soon as you pick her up, she will wiggle around until she has escaped. Then she will reach up again. The tantrum beast is an irrational creature who has no idea what the f*** she wants.

How to tame the tantrum beast: The following things can have a calming effect on the tantrum beast:

  • Snacks
  • A dummy
  • Music videos
  • An unlocked mobile phone or tablet (never give the tantrum beast a locked device – this will only make her angrier)
  • Being allowed to play with something moderately dangerous, like a fork or a bottle opener

Note that none of these will work every time. Your only option is to try one thing after another until the tantrum beast is suitably distracted or simply runs out of steam.

How to recover from your encounter with the tantrum beast: ALL THE WINE.

27 Comment

  1. I loved this! I have all the fun of the toddler years to come! #chucklemums

  2. An imperfect mum (Catie) says: Reply

    Oh I loved this, I definitely recognise that tantrum beast. Glad you can approach this testing time with humour and I loved your recovery advice. I’ll join you in a glass. Cheers 🍹 #DreamTeam

    1. Popping back to say Thank you for linking up to #ablogginggoodtime 🎉

  3. ha ha very funny – the slightly dangerous implement – brilliant! In all fairness the not saying no applies to teens as well – oh my word the strops to being told no! #DreamTeam

  4. Very true. All of the wine is the only thing that can possibly help with the toddler beast! That or run for the hills/aka hide out in the toilet scoffing all the kids’ treats.

  5. Haha love the way you’ve written this, but I feel for you… And I am very scared for when the tantrum beast turns up in my house!!! Enjoy your wine my lovely. #DreamTeam

  6. Hate tantrum times! Just so bizarrely speedy and irrational! Complete guesswork as to how to stop them too! Excellent post! #chucklemums

  7. I hate to tell you but it gets a lot worse. A LOT WORSE. God, big one is nearly three and I swear I’ve not met a child like it. You’ll have to do a follow up to this every few months so we can chart progress! #chucklemums

  8. Have you got to the foot stomp / whatever phase yet? That’s a great one, I love it when that gets pulled out in public. Wish I could bloody stamp my foot and flounce towards the nearest Poundland. Thanks for linking to #chucklemums!

  9. This is very true. Why are dangerous implements always guaranteed to make them happy? And why do they prefer to unleash the tantrum beast in public ? It’s almost as if they know….. At least you have wine! #chucklemums

  10. ha ha so true these little people know their minds from a very early age and are very strong in the ability to decide what they do and do not want to do. Wine is the key for us all #stayclassymama

  11. Oh my goodness does this sound just like my little bear when he is a mood to be reckoned with. I went to bed at 9:30 on Tuesday because of this. It’s amazing game how almost nothing going can get them out of but giving them time to let it out. #DreamTeam

  12. Don’t want X. Want Y RIGHT NOW. *pouty face with bottom lip of doom* AUGH!

    Depending on the type I either let it burn out or gently but firmly remove tantrum cub from area and talk them down. On a good day!

    They learn to work round these techniques but it’s working for now. Just have to sort out my own tantrums now!

    #StayClassyMama

  13. This is hilarious and I’m glad you can see the funny side of it. I would like to offer some consolation and say it will get better but I don’t think it gets a whole lot better. My 4 year old had a tantrum the other day and my husband quietly whispered in my hear ‘i haven’t read anything about what happens after 4!’ #chucklemums

  14. Ah yes, I know all about this particular subject. I *think* I have gotten through the worst of it with my 4 year old, but my 2yo is HORRENDOUS at the moment. I just can’t deal with the tantrums!
    Thanks for joining #chucklemums

  15. Eeek, love that picture in the high chair. I can’t wait for the tantrums to start! Honest! I have had glimpses of what it’ll be like as he’s having a good old scream if he doesn’t get his way. I’ll hug the wine bottle in preparation! #ablogginggoodtime

  16. And two minutes after they are giving you hugs and kisses whilst your head is still spinning from what the $*@# just happened!!! Thanks for linking up to #FridayFrolics

  17. Haha I still love this. I will be rewarding myself with all of the wine tonight after many tantrums. Thanks for linking up with us at #FridayFrolics

  18. My youngest is six and we still have days like this!

  19. I have encountered the tantrum beast! Mine is male and visits before nap time!
    #ABloggingGoodTime

  20. Bridie By The Sea says: Reply

    Oh my, you are actually describing my daughter too – the tantrums are off the chart! You’ve absolutely nailed it, the only way to curb the tantrums is throwing any snack at her or an ultimate distraction…pass me the wine 😉 Thanks for linking up to #dreamteam

  21. Wow. You are talking about my son here 😉 Funny approach on the topic.

  22. Haha I have two of these tantrum beasts. I am a feeder. I calm the beast with food or milk, or the iPad. Do not take parenting advice from me eh xx #ablogginggoodtime

  23. Hhahah this. Is. Amazing. I love it! Literally loling. Those damn beasts always asking for things and then getting angry and the thing that you get them. I wish they could just understand my plea of highly rational explanation of why they can’t have/do what’s in front of them. Thanks for the laugh and sharing with #StayClassyMama!

  24. Haha – very accurate! I know the tantrum beast!

    Thanks so much for joining us on #Fridayfrolics. Hope to see you next time

  25. Ah this made me giggle. I have a little tantrum beast of my own, they are sooo irrational aren’t they?! Thanks for sharing #ablogginggoodtime

  26. Great post!
    Meltdowns are awful, nasty things and young kids, especially those between ages 1 and 4 tend to lose it quite often. Babies cry and scream when they are tired, hungry or uncomfortable with something. Toddlers cause a tantrum when they cannot get something and they also get out of control if they cannot do what they want.
    It’s natural to have tantrums or an outburst when you cannot manage your emotions. Children shout louder and start crying when they struggle or become upset and this worsens the situation. Things turn ugly when your child has thrown an awful tantrum in front of others.

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