10 terrible gifts for a baby boy

White onesie that says, You got this Daddy!' with arrows pointing to the arm, leg and neck holes.

My adorable chunk of a nephew is turning one later this month, so I suggested that Adrian look on Etsy to see if he could find a unique gift for him. A few hours later, he sent me this email:

“So no obvious choices for a gift on Etsy just yet, but the running for Worst Clothes For a Baby Boy goes deep.”

Here’s a selection of what he found – plus a few other horrors I discovered myself when I went down Etsy rabbit hole:

1. I drink ’til I pass out

Onesie with a bottle of spilled milk that says, "I drink til' I pass out...just like Aunt Marley'

Let’s all laugh at Aunt Marley’s alcoholism! Hahaha! It’s funny because she can’t stop drinking! Look, she was so drunk that she put the apostrophe in the wrong place!

2. That milk tho

White onesie that says 'That milk tho'.

Hey, baby. ‘Tho’ is not an acceptable alternative to ‘though’, regardless of what your onesie says. Your parents are the worst.

3. Sorry, ladies – I’m in the knight’s watch

White onesie that says, 'Sorry, ladies. I'm in the night's watch.'

I can’t take a wife because I made a vow to the brotherhood. Also because I’M AN INFANT.

4. I won

White onesie with a sperm that says 'I won'

Your parents bought you this bodysuit so…did you? Did you really?

5. Show me your kitties

White onesie with a cat face on it that says 'Show me your kitties'

Surprisingly, this is just one of several sexist animal-themed boy’s onesies.

6. I like big bucks

White onesie with a buck on it that says 'I like big bucks and I cannot lie'

…aaand there’s another one.

7. Keep calm and hug your wiener

White onesie with a dachsund that says 'Keep calm and hug your weiner'

For the dachshund-owner parent who really, really can’t resist a good wiener joke. Or a not-so-good wiener joke. Or who got a dachshund for the sole purpose of being able to say the word ‘wiener’ all the time, even though they don’t know how it’s spelled.

8. You got this, Daddy!

White onesie that says, You got this Daddy!' with arrows pointing to the arm, leg and neck holes.

“Ha – look at that man trying to raise a baby! That’s lady business!”

NO.

Men are perfectly capable of dressing babies. And pushing prams. And retrieving lost dummies. And cleaning up poonamis. This is not mum stuff. It’s PARENT stuff.

9. Do you even lift, bro?

White onesie with an outline of ab muscles and the words 'Do you even lift bro?'

It’s like you’re trying to turn your baby into a d**k.

10. Famous on Instagram

White onesie with a picture of a camera that says 'Famous on Instagram'

Because being famous on Instagram is a thing that people actually aspire to now. We are a garbage species.

If you want to see more Etsy nightmares, check out the 10 gifts you should never buy for a baby post I did for Christmas last year.

31 Comment

  1. I love this. My aunt bought us one like number eight. Even below a babygro I could barely bring myself to use it.
    Fran @ Whinge Whinge Wine recently posted…The one where I went to the MADsMy Profile

    1. Looks like I’m back for #chucklemums 😀
      Fran @ Whinge Whinge Wine recently posted…HappyCalc maths puzzle review and giveaway!My Profile

  2. Oh my word I had no idea that there were people out there that would buy these … I think I have the wrong type of sense of humour!
    justsayingmum recently posted…So What Will Those Teen Years Be Like?My Profile

  3. Why would people buy these? I have heard of a couple but they are just wrong! xx
    #triballove
    Rachel Bustin recently posted…A Relaxing View – My Sunday PhotoMy Profile

  4. Oh dear God. There are some bad ones. I hate the ones that swear on them tool!!
    #triballove

  5. Thank you for sharing this and giving me a really good laugh! Just what I needed after a particularly stressful weekend. #EatSleepBlogRT
    An imperfect mum (Catie) recently posted…Bloggers beating cancer: When you knocked on my door….My Profile

  6. Who buys these? Who designs them and think they’re funny? Who, who, who? #EatSleepBlogRT
    Suzanne recently posted…Number 11 – Join My PENIS CampaignMy Profile

  7. Argh these are truly awful! And these words are spoken by one who dressed Piglet in a onesie I designed at my own baby shower with the slogan “Made in Chelsea” (that’s where the fertility clinic was!) #eatsleepblogRT

  8. I hope people don’t actually buy these, they’re awful! #eatsleepblogrt #bigpinklink

  9. I hope people don’t actually buy these, they’re awful! #eatsleepblogrt #bigpinklink

  10. Whhhhhhhaaaaaattttt?! These are for real?! I’m pretty horrified actually, but your descriptions, (take downs, did make me laugh. There is a disturbing element to some of them though. The fact that one is apologising for the baby being celibate……not cool! Thanks for sharing this with us on the #bigpinklink
    Louise Pink Pear Bear recently posted…Big Pink Link 31My Profile

  11. Hahahahaha I love it! Particularly the bad apostrophe/drunk aunt and the sperm!

    #EatSleepBlogRT

  12. Wow! Some of these are quite interesting! I’m not sure I would even have put my girls in some of these for the obligatory thank you picture.
    #BigPinkLink

  13. Great idea for a post! I can’t even believe that some people thought about those things in the first place! #bigpinklink

  14. These are awful!!! (well except the GoT one, but im biassed there).
    #bigpinklink

  15. Oh my God these are so awful. And all this “that milk tho” such an annoying phrase!! Long my never ending list of phrases I hate! #chucklemums
    Fran Back With a Bump recently posted…Domestic Bliss: Perception VS RealityMy Profile

  16. Oh my God, horrendous lol! Although I’ll confess the “I won” sperm one did give me a chuckle 😂 #eatsleepblogRT
    Laura recently posted…Book Review: Dr Hedgehog SeriesMy Profile

  17. The whole lot of these make me cringe. I was going to write a post similar to this at some point, about the terrible clothing slogans on kid’s clothes. I’m glad nobody bought my baby one of these. #chucklemums
    Sarah – Mum & Mor recently posted…4 Things That Surprised Me About BabiesMy Profile

  18. These are funny! I wouldn’t buy any though but maybe for the Aunt Marley one. #chucklemums
    Agent Spitack recently posted…Why Older Mums make the most f**king awesome Mom friendsMy Profile

  19. Whatever happened to fluffy blankeys?! #dreamteam

  20. Oh god, famous on instagram disgusts me because I put my babies on instagram and ergo I might be one of THOSE! These are absolute treasures. I saw one once that said something like “there’d better be whiskey in these tits”. NO! Thanks for linking to #Chucklemums xx

  21. Oooooh my god I cannot believe they are out there or that people buy them! I was reading down thinking that’s the worst, oh god no wait this worse, omg no this is the worst. They are all horrendous. I think the kitten one might just tip it for me though…. Thanks for sharing at #familyfun. Hope you can come back next week xx

  22. This had me laughing out loud!! Love seeing these sort of things when I’m looking for presents, I always wonder why people buy them. Must be a joke right?! #familyfun
    Soppymum (Sara) recently posted…Confession!My Profile

  23. Ohhh god these are just awful!!! I hope no one buys my baby boy any of these when he arrives next month haha. I’m guessing you didn’t buy any then? 🙂 xx #bigpinklink

  24. Aghhh totally shouldn’t have skim read the title!! Mwah ha ha, I thought these were contenders at first! Awful just awful! Thanks for linking up to #familyfun
    Karen:TwoTinyHands recently posted…#FamilyFun Week 3My Profile

  25. OMG your comment on the last one had me howling – we are a garbage species it is true LOL #EatSleepBlogRT
    Petite Pudding recently posted…Making mum friends when you have foot-in-mouth syndromeMy Profile

  26. OMG your comment on the last one had me howling – we are a garbage species it is true LOL #EatSleepBlogRT
    Petite Pudding recently posted…Making mum friends when you have foot-in-mouth syndromeMy Profile

  27. Um, I actually quite like the Instagram one… #bigpinklink
    Crummy Mummy recently posted…Win tickets to The Baby Show at London Olympia!My Profile

  28. Kid’s clothing is a pet topic of mine – there are so many awful things out there. This post made me laugh and cringe in equal measure!
    #eatsleepblogrt
    Beta Mummy recently posted…Chucklemums Linky Week 21My Profile

  29. Haha this is brilliant! I have seen #8 a couple of times and always shocked…do people actually buy these vests?! Great round-up, Aunt Marley’s alcoholism made me laugh 🙂 Thanks for linking up to #dreamteam Hope to see you next time x

  30. Omg!! Really?! This did make me chuckle I can’t believe that people a) have designed these and b) people buy them? I’m off to see what else I can find! Stopping by from the #dreamteam xx
    Mudpie Fridays recently posted…Ride on Dragon & Tickled Pink Fancy Dress Voucher GiveawayMy Profile

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