An apology letter to my baby

Apology

Dear Popple,

I’m sorry that I’m not always there to pick you up when you fall. I’m sorry that you face planted while trying to walk last weekend, cutting yourself on the inside lip and bleeding like crazy. I’m sorry that the only thing I could do to comfort you was give you a hug and put on Atención Atención, your favourite Puerto Rican children’s show. I’m sorry that you got upset when I tried to turn it off. That frog song is really catchy. I totally get it.

I’m sorry that I made you cry when I wouldn’t let you put my headphones in your mouth, or eat the cat’s food, or play with an aluminium can that you found in the recycling bin, or touch the toilet brush. I took these things away because they’re dangerous, or disgusting, or both. Someday you’ll understand that I’m trying to protect you, not just deprive you of all the things that are the most fun.

I’m sorry that I can’t give you a bigger flat with more space for you to run around in right now. It must be frustrating to practice your walking in such a little place. There are only so many times we can do the hallway-living room-hallway-bathroom-hallway-bedroom-hallway loop before we both start to go a bit crazy.

I’m sorry that I didn’t do a better job of teaching you how to put yourself to sleep. You’re SO much better at sleeping than you used to be, but you still need my help sometimes. I should really just leave you to figure it out by yourself, but then you might not sleep – and I really like when you sleep. When you sleep, I get to sleep. Or drink wine in front of the telly. Mommy needs both of these things.

I’m sorry that I let you get a sunburn the other day. You were well covered in long pants and a jacket, so I was surprised to see a little red stripe on the side of your neck the morning after we’d been playing outdoors. You’ve clearly inherited my oh-my-God-the-sun-is-touching-me-I-can’t-handle-this skin. I’m sorry about that too. Sunscreen is going to be your new best friend.

I’m sorry if I sometimes seem distracted. The truth is, sometimes I get bored of reading That’s Not My Lion… for the thousandth time or watching you walk around and around the coffee table. I wish I didn’t, but I do. I love hanging out with you, but there are times when I wish that you wanted to do the kinds of things that I like to do, ie sit on the couch with a bag of pretzels and watch RuPaul’s Drag Race.

I’m sorry that I’m still trying to figure out how this whole motherhood thing is supposed to work. Some days I totally smash it. Some days I let you pick up a half-eaten rice cake off the floor and stick it back in your mouth. I assume I’ll get better at this eventually. Until then, don’t judge me for using the same muslin for a week or forgetting to brush your two tiny teeth. You just chew on the toothbrush anyway.

Love,

Mommy

24 Replies to “An apology letter to my baby”

  1. Love the honesty of this post. I am sure you are nailing it and I hope you are rewarding yourself accordingly. Wish I could offer more words of reassurance but I’m only 20 weeks pregnant with baby number 1 – so I guess all I can say is that I have all this to come! #coolmumclub

    1. Thanks! I don’t always feel like I’m nailing it, but I do allow myself a glass of wine or some TV in the evenings as a reward for getting through the day in one piece. 🙂

  2. Ahhh a lovely letter! I think most mums are often feeling guilty about what they are or aren’t doing for their children. I know I’m constantly feeling sorry for losing my patience with my two! #CoolMumClub

    1. I feel bad for losing my patience too – especially when I’m trying to get the Popple to nap and she’s not having any of it. I know she’s not doing it to drive me crazy, but I can forget that in the moment because I NEED A BREAK.

  3. A lovely letter, us Mums do beat ourselves up a lot! You sound like you are doing a fab job and that frog song is now in my head too!!! #coolmumclub

    1. That frog song is a real favourite in our house – I find myself singing it even when the Popple isn’t around!

  4. I think that feeling guilty is typical of a mum that cares. I don’t think we ever really get it all figured out to be honest. I’m a mother of 2 and my eldest is 3 half and I’m definitely still trying to figure this motherhood thing out. Like you, some days are great and other not so much but I think maybe that’s what defines motherhood, Constante and new challenges at every new stage of our little ones development!

    #coomumclub

  5. Great letter hun. An important message but full of humour too and that video is fabulous! There are many things that I need to say sorry to my boys for but I don’t think they notice. I’m just their crazy mum and they love me regardless as I’m sure your baby does and will love you! TY for linking up with #FamilyFun 🌸

  6. Ahh so sweet! There’s so much guilt in mothering, isn’t there!? Sounds like you are doing fab, get that wine open! #familyfun X

  7. Love this. I think I’m sorry for all those things too, plus so many more. Excellent read. #familyfun xx

  8. Don’t worry! If it makes you feel any better Piglet just lobbed his toothbrush into the toilet bowl, and he has virtually a full set of tiny teeth that need brushing. No need to be sorry, I’m sure the Popple loves you just as you are. #FamilyFun

    1. I feel like it’s only a matter of time before the Popple hurls her toothbrush into the toilet – throwing things seems to be her new favourite activity.

  9. They say to be a parent is to be guilty. I could write a book of apologies now my little one is three. But think of all the amazing stuff you do too! Thanks for linking up to #coolmumclub lovely x

    1. Thanks! Sometimes it’s hard to focus on the positive stuff (like the fact that I managed to keep her entertained with a box full of pens for half an hour today), but I need to try.

  10. Double the Monkey Business says: Reply

    This is a lovely letter and I am sure every mum can relate to this. Guilt comes with the package of motherhood I think, that is what I tell myself anyway! Popping in from #effitfriday x
    Ps your tagline made me follow your blog. love it 🙂

    1. Ha! Glad you like it. That pretty much sums me up – especially the tired part. My baby has NEVER slept through the night – and probably won’t anytime soon!

  11. This is so moving to read, no one is perfect. And we all make mistakes/fuck up big time. But it goes to show you care and loved. Mostly your child is safe and though you haven’t got a big place it is your home X #effitfriday

  12. So lovely – you don’t need to be sorry. Mother’s guilt is the pastime of good mothers. I love that you are opening yourself up here, being so honest. Just lovely #KCACOLS

  13. So beautifully written! So very raw. Well done for saying what so many of us have thought throughout our journey. It shows you care and you love your child so much, rest assured no child needs perfection just love and support xx #KCACOLS

  14. Gorgeous post. Us mummys are so hard on ourselves and we shouldn’t be – we’re doing a fabulous job! Thanks for sharing such a lovely post xx #KCACOLS

  15. Ah lovely post, please don’t give yourself a hard time. Children are explorers and want to play and do everything, more often than not going against what is right. Your post contains so much love for your child, but it’s only natural to feel like this and guilty when all you want is a bit of “me” time. Claire x #KCACOLS

  16. I could write a dissertation worth of apologies to my little boy, but you know what? *whispers* you’ve got ages to muck things up before they actually start remembering anything 😉 #kcacols

  17. I absolutely adore this post and I bet you are totally nailing it. Half eaten rice cake off the floor? Letting Popple explore boundaries and build up the immune system, same muslin for a week? Saving the environment for the future!

  18. Love this post, love your honesty. I have been through the same and I felt guilty million times!! We are not perfect so surely we should make mistakes so then we learn. I’m sure your beautiful daughter loves you for ever!! Now I would like to know more about this song in Spanish. Do you speak Spanish? I like it and I think I will show it to my daughter too!! lol Thanks so much for sharing this at #KCACOLS. I would love to see you again on Sunday! 🙂 x

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